You’ve all been there in one relationship or another. You see your significant other every day, and all you ask for is one night of solitude with the boys. A boys night out. But as soon as you’re out of her sight, she seems to evolve from semi-crazy to admit-her-to-the-nearest-hospital crazy. Your phone starts ringing uncontrollably with calls and texts from her: “Where are you?”, “Who are you with?”, “When are you coming home?” Or maybe she’s a stealthy attacker and waits for you to come home before inflicting you with the 3rd degree.
Either way, what should have been a relaxing boys night out turns into a scene from the Law and Order interrogation room. She’s not playing the nice cop, and, unfortunately, her rendition of the bad cop is nowhere in the realm of sexy; it’s just downright scary. She gets to have time with “the girls”, so why can’t you do the same with your guys?
There are ways to make her understand the importance of such nights, but first you need to understand why she freaks.
Steps to help her deal with your boys night out.
First, without realizing it, many men make it seem like a night away from their significant other is like seeking refuge away from a war-filled nation. This may be true. If you spend most of your free time with her, it’s good to spend time on your own away from her. Too much time together can make you resent one another, and she doesn’t want that, right? Before going out with your boys, don’t say things like, “I need some time away from you”, “It’s been a long week; I just need to unwind—without you”, or “You’re crazy, woman!” Of course, none of you would say anything so idiotic (although it may be true), but the idea is to not make it seem like your time with friends is a form of escape from her—rather, it is an addition to your life with her.
Second, if she seems to take the form of the Hulk every time you go out with friends, take a step back and look at the situation. Are you giving her the same kind of time you give the boys? Some men, especially young men or men in new relationships, want to make sure their friends know that they aren’t “whipped” and that they’re still “one of the guys”. In the end, though, they over-compensate, forgetting to give their significant other any time. If you see this is the case, plan one night a week where the two of you do something romantic or fun—or really just any time spent one-on-one is good. For example, make dinner together and watch a movie. Even if you end the night doing something as mundane as sitting in front of the fire and reading books (two different books, that is), if you’re doing it together, you’re golden. The most important thing is that you and your girlfriend or wife enjoy your time with one another. Imagine how it must look to her if she sees you laughing and bubbly with the boys, and then when you’re with her you mimic the personality of a rock. Make sure she knows that you have fun with her, too, and that, even though you may not want to have a passing gas or beer chugging contest, you enjoy time with her.
Lastly, if you’ve done everything you can, like making her aware that you are not escaping her to be with the guys and that you make time for her on her own, and she’s still behaving neurotically, it’s time for another reevaluation. Have you done anything to breach her trust? If not, it’s time to ask her for a little faith in you. We all need lives outside of our romantic relationships in order for them to survive and be enriched. Sit down with her and ask why she worries so much about you being out with the boys. Maybe she thinks you drink too much with them, or that they’re bad influences on you. Maybe she’s worried about other women wherever you are or that you’ll be unfaithful. If you’re committed to the relationship, listen to her thoughtfully. Take everything she says into consideration. Please, please, please don’t say anything along the lines of, “I’m a grown man! I’m capable of making my own decisions!” Just listen. And when you’re done listening, explain why it’s important for you to see your friends and why it bothers you that she goes into panic mode every time.
If the problem persists, your relationship may have problems beyond the territory of boys’ nights out—she may be suffering from serious trust issues. Trust is vital for any relationship to survive and often stems from personal insecurities, with no reflection of reality. Make sure she realizes how her lack of trust is hurting the relationship, and, most importantly, I promise that there is nothing wrong with a boys’ night out (usually)—it’s healthy for both of you to have friends and lives outside of your relationship (just not secret lives, okay?)!
By Hayley Lyons Part of Hayley’s Corner